Fuck
by Glitch Smokeside
Summary: Dirk loved Jake for as long as he could remember. There wasn't a time he didn't love him, even back when they were kids. But love isn't pink and fluffy, like Dirk wishes it was. Dirk's faced with a choice: Can he bear to lose Jake forever, or will he stay by his side even after Jake shatters his heart with betrayal?
1. The End

" Fuck!"

Dirk turned on his heel and threw his white knuckled fist at the hospital wall with all the momentum he could muster. It amounted to little more than what he was sure was a fractured knuckle and lots of pain, but he didn't even care. The pain in his hand and the cool feel of the stone against his forehead gave him something else to think about. It helped him force the tears and bile back down his throat.

He was dimly aware of patients and doctors passing by, giving him concerned and weirded out glances. Other people, having a good day, going about their normal lives, completely unaware that he was standing there, trying to control the pain of his broken heart. It was almost as ironic as the bright sunshine the beamed blindingly outside the hospital windows.

" Yo, bro." Dirk recognized Dave's voice, but didn't move. He had the feeling if he moved he would lose hold of the butterfly net that he held his emotions in so precariously.

" Bro, either get the fuck out of here, or put a smile on your face and go congratulate Janey. She just popped out a kid. Least you could do is go see her." With that, he turned and cooly strided away.

Dirk ground his teeth together for a second, realizing Dave was right. Janey was his friend. Well, she had been. He didn't really know where they stood now. He was still trying to grasp the idea that his friend just gave birth to the guy he'd been in love with since forever's baby.

Dirk bit his tongue hard so he wouldn't scream.

All this time. All this time. Everyone had known but him. Everyone had known he'd loved Jake. It's not like Dirk kept it a secret, hell, if there had been _any_ kind of subtlety in his courting, Jake wouldn't have picked up what he took for dim, foggy signals, even though they were loud, clear calls, oblivious and innocent as the man was.

Or at least, Dirk had thought he was innocent. Innocent of crime, of the ability to betray his loved ones. Boy, had Dirk been shocked when he and Jake had been cruising along, hanging, having a good time, and Jake suddenly got a call from a very noisy Janey, shouting that the baby was on the way. Dirk had heard everything she said, and thought of it as nothing but a friend telling her close buddy to come be with her when she needed support, until Jake tried to calm her down, and she lost her temper and screamed, " It's your baby! Get your tan rear over here now!" into the receiver.

And now here they all were. Janey and Jake had a baby boy. And Dirk, Dirk had nothing. Not now.

With a deep, steadying breath, he lifted his head and readjusted himself before heading to Janey's room.

Everyone was crowded around her, cooing and laughing. In her arms was a little blue blanket bundle. He could see a tuff of dark hair poking out. They all looked at him, all of them but Jake, whose eyes were glued to the baby, when he entered. He could feel them all tense, but he walked forward without a sound, to Janey's side.

She looked up at him, the baby in her arms, his love at her side. With the last remaining bit of his heart, he gave her a small smile and gentle words, " He's cute."

The atmosphere relaxed again into the noisy, chattering swarm, and Janey smiled a relieved smile. " Wanna hold him? His name's John."

He handed the baby to him, and he panicked a little until he adjusted the baby the best he could. He was so small he was afraid he would break him if he held him too tightly.

" John, huh?" Dirk looked down at the baby, and the baby stared up at him with big, round eyes. The warmth drained from his face when he took a good look at the baby's features. Their faces were almost mirror images. There was no chance he wasn't Jake's.

He handed the baby back to his mother, and felt for the first time, Jake's gaze on him. He swallowed. " Congrats, Janey." Then turned around and left. He felt stares on him as he went, but he didn't care. He'd done all that he could have, all that he should have, and more than they deserved. But the fact still remained that their futures were going to be vastly different now. They weren't going to be four pals anymore. Things were far too complicated.

He strode down the lamented hallway, keeping his head down and his shoulders in his pockets. He just was to sit in his car and cry. To cry all the jagged, broken pieces of his shattered heart out, then go to a bar and lick his wounds and drown his sorrows. Maybe forget his world had stopped for a little while.

He reached the parking lot, when he heard heavy footsteps running towards him from behind.

" Dirk! Wait up!"

Dirk's eyes widened and he froze midstep. Jake was chasing him. After everything that had happened today, Jake was coming after him.

_The gall._

Dirk waited until Jake had caught up to him, his heart's pieces doing what they had known to do in life, to throb and beat fast. Dirk hated that his heart still did flip flops after all this. It was like his heart didn't realize that its being broke into little pieces was the fault of the person that still made it race.

Jake was slightly out of breath when he caught up. " Dirk." He put a hand on his shoulder to steady himself, but Dirk shook him off and took a step away. Jake's mood grew sullen with the physical rejection.

Dirk refused to look at him. He looked towards his car silently.

Jake stood up to his full height. The silence around them weighed a ton.

" Will you let me explain, Dirk?" Dirk swallowed heavily. Jake's voice was pleading. That sultry, accented, familiar tone, begging him like he was still innocent and had a right to.

Oh, but god, Dirk wanted to. He wanted Jake to pull some miraculous excuse out of the air that would make everything alright again. He wanted to pull Jake to his chest, and breath in his musk and kiss him and hold him and for him to tell him everything was alright and that he loved him too and that he was sorry.

But that would never happen. Knocking up a mutual friend wasn't a 'oops, my bad' kind of thing. They had a baby now. As if cheating wasn't bad enough. Dirk ground his teeth together to stop his jaw from trembling.

" No." He finally muttered.

He turned away and walked to his car.


	2. Confrontations

" This is exactly why we should have told him, Janey!" Jake shouted. He was so upset. Dirk.. Dirk had never shunned him before. He didn't want anything to do with him. He didn't want him to touch him, and he wouldn't look at him! " He won't even let me explain myself!"

" Well, do you think he would've accepted the news any better if we'd told him? He was going to find out eventually, darlin'." She looked down at the small boy in her arms. Visiting hours were almost over, but being the father Jake could stay all night if he chose.

" I thought he would be more understanding! At the very least he could've heard me out!" Jake whined, tears forming in his eyes. He'd really hurt Dirk.

" Shhh, you'll wake him up." Janey gently rocked the baby gently, lulling John back to sleep. " Jake, we have to talk about somethin' else right now."

" What?" Jake asked, turning around.

" Well, about me going to university. Ya remember how I got accepted to the one back in Texas? Well, I'm enrolled for the fall." She looked up at Jake. " I'm not bringing John with me."

Jake had to take a moment to process what she was saying.

" What? You're leaving him here with me!? Don't be daft, I can't possibly-"

" You don't really have a choice, darlin'. He's your son. Besides, you weren't plannin' on doing anything big, far as I recall."

Jake was flustered. " Well.. Be that as is may, I'm totally unqualified to take care of him! You're his mother! Take him with you!"

" I'm too young to cart around a baby all the time. Besides, it's not forever. I'll be back during summers and vacations to see him. I'm still his mama." She kissed the sleeping baby on the forehead lovingly. " It's only a two year program. Ya can manage that."

Jake stood in disbelief. " You want me to take care of him? Two years in a bloody long time!"

" Like I said, I'll be back on holidays and breaks and stuff."

" Impossible! I can't raise a baby on my own!"

Janey finally lost her patience.

" Listen here, mister. I just spent the better part of ten hours pushing our baby out of my body! You knew right from the get-go you were going to have to be his dad. Don't try shrinkin' away from your responsibilities already! You have a steady job, a house, and food in the fridge every week. You might have to spend beer money on diapers, but's that's not gonna be a problem for ya, is it Mr. English? Two years is a very, very short time. After I get my degree, I have a job already lined up. He's not even gonna remember there was a time mommy wasn't around. He'll be fine, you'll be fine! There is no problem! All that's a problem is your attitude, and boy, if you wanna piss me off any more, I don't care that I'm wounded, I will kick your scrawny tanned ass from here into next week!"

Jake stood silently, looking at her pale complexion. She was tired. She was right. And even if she wasn't, he didn't have a choice. He was John's dad.

"..Promise you'll be back when you can?" He asked sheepishly.

Janey smiled. " As if I wouldn't be, Jake. He's my baby."

They both looked at the sleeping boy's face. He slept so peacefully, as if he was resting the quietest place in the world.

" Ya know," Janey sighed wistfully, " I think that what tipped him over the edge today."

" What?"

" Dirk, I mean. He had himself together until he saw John's face. John looks just like you, Jake. Dirk must've been thinking that."

Jake sighed. He really didn't like this. He missed Dirk already.

" Janey, what am I going to do?"

Janey looked at him, her blue eyes full of sadness. " Darlin' I don't know. I didn't even think he'd wanna look at _me_, but he seemed just fine. I think right now he just needs some time to be alone. He's had a big shock. Give him time to get over it before you try to talk to him, okay?"

Jake sighed again, and rubbed the back of his neck.

" I'm so tired. This whole day has utterly exhausted me."

Janey laughed so loudly John stirred in her arms. She quickly shoosh papped him, and he fell back to sleep. She glanced up at Jake with an amused expression. " Jake, sometimes I swear, you have nothing on your brain but you."

A nurse came in then, and asked Jake if he was staying. He looked to Janey for what she wanted. Janey told him to head home and get some rest, and think about what she said, and what to do. So he left her, and made his way down to the parking lot. It must've been around two in the morning. His car was parked in the furthest row from the building; it had been the only spot available at the time, and he'd been in a rush. The streetlamps were a dull orangey color that didn't light up the lot very well, and his car was immersed in shadow. Jake sighed, fumbling around in his khakis' pocket for his keys and then opening the door. He swung himself inside and slammed the door shut behind him.

He nearly shit his pants when he heard a soft, " Hey, Jake." from the passenger seat.

Heart jumping out of his chest, he almost screamed before he realized it was Dirk, who seemed to be sitting up like he'd been wakened. Jake realized he'd probably been sleeping; it was late and it had been a long day.

" Dirk! You nearly gave me a heart attack! What are you doing, didn't you head back close to three hours ago?"

In the dark of the car Jake couldn't see Dirk very well, and he knew Dirk wouldn't look at him even if it was light and he wasn't hiding behind shades.

" I remembered I drove here with you."

Ah, right. They _had_ come here together, hadn't they?

" Well, I guess I'll give you a ride home then." Jake turned away and started the car, putting it in reverse and backing out easily. Traffic wasn't very busy at this time of night, and they slid into the stream silently.

Jake didn't know what to do. The tension was killing him. He needed to do something to ease it.

" Uh, Dirk? You're rather quiet, old chap." He tried to make his voice light, only to have it come out worrisome. He swallowed nervously.

Dirk didn't speak. He sat up a little straighter, sniffed and kept looking out the windshield, ignoring him.

" Dirk-"

" PLEASE." Jake jumped at the sudden loudness of Dirk's strained voice. " Please, don't talk."

Jake winced, and felt a sharp pull on his heart. " Dirk, I-"

" PLEASE." Dirk crossed him arms and looked out his window. " I don't want to hear you, right now. There is _nothing _you can say, Jake. Nothing. Just be quiet."

Jake watched him slouch, back towards him, in a position almost fetal-like, like he was holding himself, protecting himself. Jake looked away.

They arrived at Dirk's apartment complex, the lights on his floor bright in the dark. As soon as the car began to slow, Dirk unfastened his buckle and jumped out before Jake could even utter a word. The door slammed shut behind him. Jake rushed to follow him, his own door slamming as well. He ran after Dirk, who was already at the door.

" Dirk! Stop! Just let me-"

Dirk spun around to face him so fast Jake started. He couldn't read his expression, not that he ever could. He hat was pulled down low over his face and his shades covered his eyes. His mouth was a hard line and his jaw was stiff as his shoulders.

" What, Jake? WHAT. Could you possibly have to say to me?" Before Jake could answer, he continued, " You gonna fucking say you're sorry? Say it was a mistake? _Explain _to me why this whole fucking thing happened? Naw, 'course you ain't." Jake heard the slightest of tremors in Dirk's voice. " I can't stand to look at you. After all this..." He looked away, unable to finish.

Jake didn't know what to say. His mind was completely blank.

He'd never meant to. It _had _been an accident. He never wanted to hurt Dirk. Never.

What could he possibly say to make him understand..?

" I love you, Dirk." He whispered. It was the only thing he could think of.

Dirk froze. He turned his face towards the starry night sky. Dirk laughed a sharp, bark of a laugh.

Jake watched him as he laughed, as his shoulders shook with the effort, as the tears came from behind his dark shades, reflecting the porch light. He listened in strucken horror as the laughs turned to deep sobs.

" You sure have a funny definition of love, Jake."

Jake couldn't speak as he watched, slack jawed, Dirk turned away from him coldly, and shut the door in his face. He felt numb, shocked. He'd never expected Dirk to cry like that. He'd thought he'd be very angry, but he hadn't thought he'd..

He never thought he'd break his heart.


	3. Reversed

_Brrrriiiiing._

No.

_Brrrrriiiiiing._

Not happening.

_BRRRRRIIIIIIIIIING._

No matter how much the phone rang, Dirk was not answering it. He had little desire to speak to anyone. Or anything, for that matter.

Since the incident, a week ago now, he'd stayed in his apartment. Friends had stopped by, trying to coax him out of his cave and back into sunlight, or to comfort him. He turned them all away. Dave stopped by once with food a boos. Dude was the best bro ever.

Literally the only time he left the apartment was to run down the street to a convience store and get more boos. He didn't even go to work. He'd called into work and said he needed time off for his health. The office loved him of course, so they had no problem with him taking a vacation, just so long as he was back to work Monday next week.

_Two weeks, huh? _Dirk thought as he slid his hand out from beneath the blankets to grab the phone._ I wonder if it'll be long enough._

He slid the green lock bar and held the device to his ear. " Hello?" He mumbled.

" Dirk, ol buddy ol pal, how's it goin'?" Dirk recognized the voice of the intoxicated Roxy on the other end.

" Oh, you know. Awesome. Super. Peachy." He replied, sighing into his pillow.

He really didn't want to deal with anyone. He needed alone time.

" Well, that's great, cuz I got some friends who want to meetcha!" Roxy hiccuped into the phone.

Dirk looked up suddenly, interested. " Who?"

" Jus' a couple a girls who wanna meet Mr. StudDirk I been tellin' 'em about."

Dirk almost smiled. Just what the doctor called for. What better way to get over someone than to go on the rebound? Dirk would have some nice drinks with Roxy and her friends, get drunk and then.. who knows?

Dirk sat up. " I'd love to meet them."

" Really?" Roxy hiccuped in surprise.

" Sure. Where are you?"

Roxy told him the name of a good local club that was known for it's alcoholic daily specials having funny names. He knew the joint, and he actually liked it quite a bit.

" Alright, cool. See you in 15." He hung up, and sprang out of bed.

Enough of this moping around shit. He thought as he tugged on some jeans that hugged his ass well and a tight t-shirt that showed his chest well. Dirk Strider, you're a stud. Don't let one little break up get you down. Don't give any more power to the jerk who broke your heart.

He didn't like to think about the man's name anymore. Thinking the name only caused him pain. Ironic that he didn't want to give him power of him anymore, yet the very name of the man sent him to tears and breathless sobs.

He fixed his hair and grabbed him hat and shades, despite it being one in the morning. Checking himself in the mirror and deeming himself totally fuckable, he grabbed his keys and left.

The drive was fairly short. He knew the city like the back of his hand. He took shortcuts and got there in ten minutes.

A bouncer waved him in and he scanned the crowded room for Roxy. He could always find her from her telltale platinum blonde 50's housewife hairstyle. She was at the bar, and flanking her were two other women. One wore a sparkly close fitting strapless dress with no back. Thigh high heels. The other had short brown hair and a miniskirt with a neon pink tube top. Dirk rolled his shoulders and approached them.

" Yo, Roxy." He said. The three girls turned around he gave them a sexy half grin. " Who're these lovely ladies?"

Roxy grinned and threw herself off the barstool and into a bear hug. " Dirk, it's been, like, forevs! Omg, you're like, just a cute as I remember!"

" It's good to see you too, Roxy." Dirk hugged his friend back, but kept his attention on the two women, calculating his chances of a threesome. They were both pretty hot. And they were sizing him up as much as he was.

He took a seat next to the one in the miniskirt. " Mind if I sit here?" He grinned. She smiled seductively.

" Not at all."

The next hour passed swiftly. Dirk took his time to flirt and compliment the women, and Roxy totally helped him along. He figured out her plan. She was trying to get him out of his depression. With sex and boos, but hey, it had worked. She really was his best friend.

Dirk figured the most difficult part of the night was fast approaching: actually asking these two ladies to a motel. Around two ten he opened his mouth to seduce them, but at that moment one of them beat him to the punch.

" So, Dirk, I was wondering if you'd like to.." She trailed off sensually, then leaned forward and whispered in his ear. " You know, get out of here."

Dirk took a final swig of his, what was it.. eighth beer? Then he grinned at her.

" That sounds great." One was better than none, right? He'd do a threesome later.

He waved bye to Roxy and the other girl, who at this point seemed more interested in Roxy. Roxy gave him a wink and two thumbs up signs, as the girl led him out the exit.

...

" C'mon, Jake don't be such a downer. This'll be fun. Try to have a good time!"

" Yeah, man, this'll be fun!"

" Just what you need!"

Jake zoned out the sounds of his friends around him. They insisted on dragging him with them for a night out. Between running back and forth to the hospital to check on Janey, his job, and dealing with Dirk's absence from his life, he was pretty worn down and depressed. He couldn't get Dirk off his mind.

" Yes, yes." He shushed his friends, sighing as they walked towards the bar.

He liked the bar they were going to. They had weekly drink specials with sexy names. His favorite one they served was called the James Bond. It was smooth and strong, but after you drank it it had a stronger, unexpected kick. He smiled, recalling the time Dirk and he had been drinking, and Dirk had somehow managed to convince him that if he drank five without puking he was more of a man than he was. Funnily enough, Jake still had no idea who actually won because he couldn't remember a thing after the third James Bond.

Jake let his mind wander on this and other pleasant memories of Dirk as they walked down the street, glancing around in boredom. They were approaching the building, were Jake glanced down the side alley, hearing a noise.

He froze.

Dirk.

Dirk was in the alley, cloaked in shadow. Jake could barely make him out.

But what he did see made him start to shake.

Dirk wasn't alone.

His back was pressed against the brick wall, his feet braced against the opposite wall and his pants around his ankles. On his lap was a woman.

Jake stood frozen as he watched Dirk hips thrust upward, his strong, familiar hands holding the girl's butt in place. The girl had her slender arms wrapped around his head, tangled in his hair and was kissing him as he pounded into her. Their lewd sounds, his pants and her moans, the sight of Dirk fucking this strange woman, without a care, made Jake's mind go blank. He felt his stomach drop and an instant, growing pain erupt in his chest.

He couldn't believe.

He couldn't believe it.

" Jake, what're you-?" His friend came over to see what he was staring at, and Jake felt his jaw drop. " Oh."

Jake couldn't take his eyes away. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. The pain in his chest was too much. It overshadowed everything. It was all he could feel, and Dirk having sex in the alley was all he could see.

" C'mon, Jake." His friend took his arm and gently pulled him away.

Jake followed blindly. He felt himself being sat down, his friends crowding around him, concerned. He couldn't even see them. He couldn't comprehend where he was anymore. His mind couldn't wrap itself around what was happening to his heart. He felt hot tears start to form in his eyes from the pain of it all. And it only seemed to grow. The pain turned to agony, and he felt the tears start to fall, but he still couldn't see anything. Where was he? Who was with him? Why did he come here?

He didn't know this kind of pain was possible.


	4. What To Do

" Jake! Jake, honey!" Jane pounded on his apartment door, worried out of her mind. She'd called him yesterday to check up on him and he seemed exhausted, and she worried that he sounded unwell. When she called again this morning, after a long night of hoping he'd get a good night's rest, he didn't pick up his phone. And he hadn't picked up his phone for the rest of the day. She finally became worried enough to make the drive over and check up on him.

And now he wasn't answering the door.

" Jake! That's it! I'm coming in!"

Jane reached into her purse and removed the spare key to Jake's apartment he'd given her. She opened the door hurriedly, her eyes searching around the familiar room anxiously. She didn't see him.

She ran through the living room, frantic, searching for him, until the last place to check was his bedroom. She swung open the door.

She would've cried with relief if her anger didn't quickly take its place.

" Jake Marie English! You cum-guzzlin' sonofabitch! I'm gonna kill you!" She stomped over to the bed, where the shape of a human was visible underneath piles of blankets. She didn't care if he was asleep or just laying there, she was pissed he had let her worry all day. She grabbed the comforters in her fists, and with one swift yank removed them from the bed.

She had expected to be angry and give Jake a thorough verbal lashing, but she hesitated when she actually saw him.

_Oh, dear. He looks just awful._

Jake was laying in the fetal position, curled in on himself, holding his hands against his chest. His knees were up to his chin, and his usually shiny hair was dull and messy. His face looked sunken, as if he hadn't eaten in awhile, and his chin and jaw were covered in stubble. The sheet beneath his face had a large water stain.

" Jake. Jake, honey." Jane, anger gone, shook Jake's shoulder, gently as she could. " Wake up, darlin'." She shook again, and watched. His dark, lovely lashes lifted slowly, revealing disoriented forest green eyes. He didn't move though, not even to sit up. He didn't even give his usual smile greeting. He just opened his eyes and laid there.

Jane kicked off her shoes and got onto the bed with him.

" What happened, Sweety?"

Jake blinked, his eyes still heavy with sleep. When he spoke, Jane had to lean forward to make out what his soft words were.

" Dirk. Dirk.. I saw him.. doing some woman. Outside Club Nomad." He whispered into the mattress, clenching his eyes together tightly, as if remembering hurt him.

Jane was take aback. That wasn't right. Her mind worked to figure it out.

_Dirk must be on the rebound. Trying to get over Jake. Oh, dear. _

" When was this?"

" Last Friday."

_It's been four days since then. No wonder he sounded so awful the last time I called._

" Don't tell me you've been here, sulking in self pity ever since?"

Jake didn't say anything, glancing away from her gaze.

" Jake!" She exclaimed, exasperated. _No wonder he's a mess! I bet the only times he'd gotten off this bed were to go to the bathroom!_ " Have you at least eaten anything?"

" I'm afraid I haven't an appetite."

" Jake, it's been half a week. You can't lay here forever. You'll get ill."

" It doesn't matter." He whispered, his face grimacing. " Dirk said he loved me. But then this.." Jake's eyes began to fill with tears. " It's obviously he doesn't now." The tears leaked from his eyes and his voice began to tremble. " How could he do that to me?" He began to sob, clenching his eyes shut, and covering his face with one hand.

Jane sighed with sympathy. _Of course he's upset. Anyone would be. But still, there's not enough reason to justify him wasting away to death out of misery. And from Dirk's point of view.. well, he's got every reason to do what he's doing_.

She felt her chest clench in guilt.

If only she hadn't been seduced that night, none of this would have happened.

…

_" __Jake, what are you doin', you lil rascal, you?" Jane giggled. Her and Jake had been left alone for an entire month. The foursome had dissipated into pairs because Roxy and Dirk had decided to take a short little getaway to an anime convention a few states over. _

_Dirk and Roxy usually took a trip together twice a year, each picking a location, to have some good best friend time together without the stress of work and home life. Dave had gone to stay with his friend for the time they were away. Dirk had begged Roxy to do this trip with him, and Roxy said she would if they could make it a road trip because it would be more fun, and because it would be combining both their vacations into one long one, and it was easier to get time off from work for it._

_Jake and Jane had been left at home. Normally these vacations didn't bother them, but this one was the longest they'd ever taken. Jake and Jane spent a lot of time together, more than they normally would, just because the rest of their group was missing._

_That night, three days before Dirk and Roxy were due back, they'd decided to go out to Club Nomad to have a few drinks._

_Upon arriving, they decided to do the Club Nomad Challenge, which was to drink one shot of every hard liquor in the bar. If they could complete the challenge, the drinks were free. Jake challenged Jane, ribbing that as the male, he could probably drink her under the table._

_Jane laughed, accepting his challenge, and they sat down, and told the bartender._

_10 shots later, and Jake was completely done. He was so heavily drunk, Jane had to carry him to the taxi. She herself, was very drunk, but not as shit-faced blackout plastered as Jake was. He was so far gone, he'd told the taxi driver he remembered him from his previous life, and that they were brothers and their wives were sisters and went on and on about this so called other life that the taxi driver almost had an aneurism._

_She'd gone to her own apartment, and lugged him up the elevator and into her room, before throwing him on the couch. He'd woke up though. _

_And now, here they were._

_" __Me? Why, nothing at all!" Jake giggled, pulling her hand to pull her onto the couch next to him. " I was just thinking that you look ravishing tonight."_

_Jane gave a drunk giggle, " Is that so, Mr. English? You flatter me."_

_It's remarkable how everything seems funny and wonderful when you're drunk._

_" __No, no, it's the truth. You look ravishing all the bloody time."_

_" __Mr. English, I do think your eyes must be going." She batted her eyes, playing along, wickedly amused._

_" __No, they're functioning fine, and I know this because if they weren't.." He suddenly leaned in, and kissed her. " I wouldn't have been able to see your lips."_

_Jane giggled. " Nope, I bet they're broken!"_

_He kissed her cheek. " Nope!" He kissed her again, on her neck._

_" __Broken!" She laughed, continuing to be covered in sloppy, wet kisses._

_" __Nu-uh!" _

_In her fit of laughing and trying to dodge the playful kisses, she hadn't even realized she'd slipped down on the couch, and that Jake's body was most leaning over her. He kept kissing her, her neck, her face, her lips. And she didn't push him away because it felt too good. It had been too long since she'd been touched like this, and she was relishing the feelings that were just beginning to course through her. _

_Jake didn't even hesitate. There was no pause or relapse in thought when his kisses got deeper, and he took off his clothes. No second thoughts when he undressed her, and helped himself to her body. Looking back, she regretted her own actions. But at the time, Dirk had only crossed her mind on the back burner, so to speak. She'd been so intoxicated, by the alcohol, by the kisses, by the promise of sex, that she'd have slept with anyone at the time, and the only person around was Jake._

_Jane didn't think Jake even had memories of that night. She'd later told him what had happened, and he'd given her this blank stare, as if he didn't know what she was talking about. Jane thought that if he'd been in a rational state of mind, there was no way he would ever have put the moves on her, much less transition without second guessing from the playful kisses to the first stages of actual sex. She bet as he was kissing her, instinct from memory had taken over, and he had just gone with the flow. _

_When she told Jake she was pregnant, he'd looked horrified. He almost started crying. They got into a huge fight about whether she should keep the baby, him saying neither of them were suited to be parents. Jane had known that, but as soon as she knew she was going to be a mother, she loved the baby. She loved her baby so much. And she was keeping it, regardless of what he'd said. _

_Jake had calmed down, and they had a adult discussion after their fighting was done. He had said there was no use denying it, and he would take responsibility. He also had told her out front he wasn't ready to be a father. She'd told him he'd have nine months to get ready. And that was it._

_And he had. He'd gone to the appointments with her, and helped with the naming and paperwork and medical bills and baby shower and everything. _

_But both of them knew it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan._

_Jake didn't know, but Dirk had been in love with him since they were kids. Head over heels, do anything to make him happy, kill for him, kind of love. And only recently, within the past year, had Jake began responding to Dirk's flirting. _

_Jane, however, had known ever since Dirk had told her and Roxy, all those years ago._

_To be honest, Jane didn't know where their relationship had stood when they had slept together. _

_But if Dirk's reaction when he'd found out was anything to go by.. at the very least, Dirk had thought they were together._

…

" Jake, you'll die if you keep laying around on your ass. Get up." Jane scooted off the bed and onto her feet. She glanced at Jake, who was still a blubbering mess, crying into his pillow.

" If you're not up in five minutes," She told him, heading to the door. " I'll get Roxy to come over here and drag you out of bed herself. I'll help, of course." Then she shut the bedroom door behind her.

Jane didn't know what she was going to do to fix this whole thing. On the one hand, she couldn't change the past, and even if she could, she wouldn't. She loved her son with all her heart. On the other hand, her and Jake's actions had potentially destroyed Dirk and Jake's over 10 years in the making relationship.

That, and how was she supposed to attend school in the fall if John's father was still heartbroken and unstable?

She sighed, sitting on the living room couch.

Dirk had every reason and right to hate her and to hate Jake. She'd betrayed his friendship, and Jake betrayed.. whatever their relationship had been. After over ten years of knowing how hard he'd fallen for Jake, Jane was the biggest perpetrator.

Especially since for most of those years, Dirk thought he didn't have any chance because he had been under the impression Jake only swung for girls. To finally not only get a chance at acting on his feelings, but to have Jake recuperate them and return them, (to what degree, Jane was still unsure, but obviously the blubbering mess in the other room did return his feelings), must have been Dirk's dream come true. And Jane had crushed his happiness with a single action.

She had to fix this.

She pulled out her phone and messaged Roxy.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] started pestering tispyGnostalgic [TG]

GG: Roxy, how do I fix this?

TG: fix what?

GG: The pile of washed-out emotional flesh in Jake's bedroom.

TG: not takin it well huh

GG: You know?

TG: oh yeah i kinda set driky up on a date

TG: *dirky

GG: A date? With who? And he actually went?

TG: weell not reallt a DATE date but like some hot girl at the nomad totally wanted to do him

TG: *well

TG: *reelly

TG: *really

GG: Oh dear. Well, Jake told me he saw them, ahem, 'doing it'. So he's really upset.

TG: oh no that totes sucks like omg

TG: but who can blame him not me I cant

TG: sides dirk needed to get outta the house ad I figured this was the way to do it

TG: he was gonna leik die if he stayed there any longer

TG: *like

GG: So how do we get Mr. Misery and Mr. Heartbroken to talk to each other again? Because it's obvious they're miserable without each other.

TG: i dunno. call dirk maybe hell be for it

Jane thought a moment. She didn't think that would work. Maybe she could talk to him herself, and just explain some things that she doubted Jake had brought up. Then let him make his own decision himself.

GG: No, I doubt that would work. But I do have an idea now, so thank you!

TG: see? no probs like I knew you'd come up w/ somethin

GG: Yes, thanks a bunch Roxy!

TG: no probs bff xoxox lov ya!

gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Jane took a deep breath before sending the message.

GutsyGumshoe [GG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

GG: We need to talk, hun. Meet me at Cafe Nomad, tomorrow morning at nine. No option.

GutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: …

TT: Guess I'll be there.


	5. The Truth

Dirk really really didn't want to be here. He really didn't. In fact, his desire to be here was so low, he told himself he wasn't going to be here when the option of being here presented itself.

But here he was, sitting in his car outside Cafe Nomad, debating with himself whether he should even get out of the car.

He hadn't been the same since the incident. He couldn't remember when he'd gotten a good night's sleep, and he knew his attitude was becoming pretty bad. But hey, that's what lack of sleep does to you. Turns you into a dickwad.

GOD, he missed Jake.

Immediately he felt his heart painfully contract, and he gasped from the pain.

_No, dammit, bad Strider. You thought his name._ Dirk slammed his head on the steering wheel, cursing himself for being a fucking idiot.

Jane had contacted him, and now they were supposed to meet. Dirk couldn't muster the energy to even lift his head from the steering wheel.

All his days began and ended the same way since Roxy had managed to drag him from his cave to Club Nomad that night. He woke up around three in the afternoon, and laid in bed for about an hour, writhing in self pity and heartache. Mornings were the worst now. He was used to waking up, and having _him_ be next to him. His legs intertwined with his own, his body heat warming the bed. His scent on his pillows. His kisses to wake up and seek. And now, nothing but cold sheets greeted him when he opened his eyes, reminding him every morning that he was alone, and that _he_ never felt the same way about him.

Through the morning kisses, the daytime flirting, the evening cuddles, their nights of long, intense love making.. Jake had never loved him.

Dirk felt hot tears escape his clench eyes, and fall in big plops onto his lap.

_Get it together Strider. Let's go get this thing over with_.

Dirk sat up and wiped the tears away from his face, adjusted his shades, and got out of the car.

Cafe Nomad was probably the best place in the world for people who ate breakfast. It had _everything_, and it was organic too, without tasting gross. It had a giant fruit salad bar, with everything on it you could imagine, a bakery that cooked anything you requested, fresh, and a staff that cooked phenomenal breakfast foods. They were trained chefs or something. Dirk himself loved their smoothies. Not to mention the coffee station was amazing, serving everything from plain black to frappes. Expensive, yes, but this place's food was worth it.

And it was packed.

Dirk made his way in, pushing past the people waiting to order, and glanced around for Jane, spotting her bright blue skirt before he saw her. She was sitting by one of the back windows, her chin resting on her hand, staring at the outside.

She looked less tired than the last time he'd seen her. Her black hair was smooth, combed into its usual style. Her skin had a healthy glow to it, it wasn't pale a sickly like it had been before, in fact, she looked damn attractive today. The pregnancy had given her a round, plump shape that she pulled off with great vigor. Her skirt hugged her juicy looking legs close, and beneath her blouse was the hint of sexy belly and voluptuous breasts. She looked like a 50s model, plump and pretty. She looked great.

_If I looked like her, would I still have him?_

_Shut the fuck up, brain. Fuck you, fuck him, now fuck off._

He shook his head, and made his way over to her. She glanced up, when he approached, and smiled in greeting. He didn't.

" Hello, Dirk. It's been awhile." She pushed one of the two coffees she'd had in front of him. " Here."

" Yeah." He said, sitting across from her. " Thanks."

He sipped it, pleasantly surprised to find it was the perfect temperature. Good ol' Janey.

" So." He began. " What did you wanna talk about?" He figured he might as well try to get this thing over with as fast as possible.

" Right." She sighed. " I might as well get to it." She took a quick sip of coffee, and Dirk was surprised to see her hands shaking slightly.

Was she nervous?

About what?

Dirk really had no idea now. It wasn't like her to be nervous about anything. He wondered what could be on her mind. He figured it had to be something about the incident, or _him_, or something.

He watched as she took a deep breath, and looked him in the eye. It was uncanny, how she could always find his eye, even when he was wearing his shades.

" I'm going to tell you what happened, Dirk. Between Jake and I. And once you know the truth, you can do what you want. You can never speak to me again, or Jake, or both, I don't care. But I owe you an explanation."

Dirk blinked, unsure what to say. She was nervous about this? Dirk didn't think there was much to say. She had sex with the man he loved, knowing that the whole time, and wound up with a kid. There was no great mystery.

" I guess you do." He said, unsure if the feeling in his chest was anger or agony. " But you'd think he'd be the one doing this, considering it was his fault." Dirk took a sip of coffee, trying to still his dread. Janey might;ve seduced him or whatever, but in the end, in was _his_ choice whether or not to sleep with her.

Janey shook her head. " Let me just ask some things first, so I know where to start. First off, I'm guessing you and Jake haven't spoke since..." She trailed off indicatively.

Dirk nodded, his gut tightening.

" And when he drove you home from the hospital, you wouldn't hear anything he had to say." It wasn't a question, but Dirk nodded anyway.

" Ok. It explains a lot. Now, my turn. And I don't want you interrupting until I'm done, got it?" Dirk nodded. Janey took a big sip of coffee, and started to speak.

" When you and Roxy took your little vacation last year, Jake and I got closer." She began, her voice very factual. " You and Roxy weren't around, so we just hung out by ourselves the whole time. And the whole time, we were completely, 100% platonic. Hell, we still are." She rolled her eyes. " To me, Jake's a cutie, but I never liked him romantic-like. And even if I did, you and him were just starting to be together, so I would never have done anything."

_Then why did she? If she doesn't like him? If she respects my feelings for him? Then why did she?_

Dirk listened, unsure whether or not to believe her, but he couldn't see why she'd lie.

" A few days before you guys got back, we went out drinking." She continued, her eyes thoughtful. " We got hammered. I could barely walk straight, and I was the sober of us two." Her eyes were staring up at the sky, watching people pass by out the window. " I called a cab and we went to my place, mostly because I couldn't remember his address. I was dragging him the whole way cuz he couldn't walk. He was too drunk to think, much less move or form coherent sentences." She paused, and Dirk could see her editing some things, probably for his own sake. He was grateful when she said, " I'll spare you the details. We had sex. The next morning, he told me he didn't even remember leaving the bar. And I regretted it." She sighed, her eyes finding Dirk's.

" He doesn't remember what happened that night. It's probably a good thing you never gave him the chance to explain; he wouldn't have known how. All he knows is we went drinking, he woke up at my place, and a little while later I turn up pregnant with his kid." She paused again, to sip her coffee.

Dirk didn't know what to think.

Jake didn't remember. He didn't remember.

Janey could've raped him, and he wouldn't remember. He could've mistake her for Dirk in his drunken stupor, and he wouldn't remember. It couldn't been one of those bad ideas that seem really awesome when you're drunk things, and he wouldn't remember. But he also couldn't been fully aware of his actions, just not remember. He couldn't been completely rational in the cheating, and not remember. Or even worse, he could remember, and just claim he didn't to save himself.

Anything was possible.

What on earth was Dirk going to believe? He had no way of knowing anything.

Janey believed he was oblivious. And they had been drinking..

But could he forgive them on that alone? Forgive them for ripping his heart out, even if it was by accident like Janey claimed it was?

It felt as if his heart was being torn all over again. The sweet promise of relief, if he chose to forgive them was almost too sweet of a calling to turn down.

All he wanted was to know that Jake truly loved him.

And even that was too much to ask for. He had no way of knowing. All he had was the words of others.

Would it be enough?

" I don't care what you do with what I've told you, Dirk. I'm the wicked one for seducing your lover and he's a traitor for participating, no matter if he remembers or not. But I know you love him. You told us so long ago, and I've seen it every day in your eyes when you look at him." Dirk felt tears slip past his shades, and he didn't have the power to stop them. " And I know for a fact he's in love with you too. I'm not sure if he knows it, or knows how to express it, but it's true."

She stood up, and took her purse off the back of her chair.

" I know I'm the last person you should be taking requests from, Dirk. But if I could, please go see him. Just look at him, talk to him. That's all I want."

And then she left, her blue skirt disappearing through the crowd of hungry customers, leaving Dirk at the table alone.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to breathe. He didn't know how to move. He just sat there, staring at his hands on his lap, seeing the tears drop onto his palms.

What was he going to do?


	6. Wounds

Jake was miserable. Utterly and wholly miserable.

He didn't have the energy to move, he didn't have the energy to eat, he didn't have the anything to anything. It was as if a heavy oppressive cloud of despair had enveloped his soul like a smothering glove, and he couldn't find his way out. Everything he did hurt. Moving hurt his weakening body. Thinking hurt his delirious mind. Thinking about Dirk-

He cried out, his whole body clenching into a ball, clutching his chest. He let out a sob, feeling hot trails run down the side of his face.

He never thought anything could hurt so badly. His mind couldn't grasp what was happening. He sniffled, his eyes and sinuses sore from days of crying. He hadn't had anything to eat or drink because anything he attempted to hold down he vomited back up. Even water. After a few attempts he just accepted he was too upset to digest anything. Not that he had an appetite, far from it. Everything looked like shit to him, and tasted even more so.

He just couldn't get it out of his mind. That sight, of Dirk fucking that girl. The familiar shape of his body, his large hand gripping that girl's butt, the way he pushed up into her. That lustful expression Jake had thought was meant for only him..

He cried, his heart breaking and re-breaking every time his mind replayed the scene.

He didn't know anything could hurt this badly. Everything ached.

His thoughts didn't even make sense anymore. His mind kept flashing bits and pieces of heart wrenching memories at him. That day, long ago, when he and Dirk met. Their long days of playing together as children. Finding out Roxy liked Dirk, way back in middle school. He sobbed, remembering their school years together, the days on the playground where Dirk and he would just wrestle each other to the ground over petty disagreements, laughing about it as they sat outside the principle's office, fist bumping. The more recent memories hurt the most. Finding out Dirk liked men, liked him. Their first kiss, awkward and perfect. Dirk's flushed face and longing eyes in that moment were unforgettable. Jake had never seen anything like that in his life before. Nothing so strong, so pure, so intense, so perfectly directed at him!

Oh, God, he couldn't stand the pain of thinking! Every thought of that wonderful man he missed so much ripped sobs from his sore chest, and his every thought was about Dirk.

He sniffed, his sinuses so inflamed he couldn't breathe through his nose, and his pulse in his temple from the pressure in his head. It hurt.

_It hurts._

_It hurts._

_It hurts so much_.

Why, why had Dirk done that? Why had he gone to that club, why did he go with that awful girl? She didn't love him. He didn't love her. They were just.. and so soon! It was so soon, and Dirk had forgotten him!

Dirk's face when he told him he'd been in love with him for so long.. those burning eyes..

IT WAS ALL A LIE.

Jake couldn't breathe, he couldn't think anything else. His eyes stung as rivers of hot tears poured themselves onto the bed and out of his nose. Those words repeated themselves in his skull, and he clenched it tightly, as if he could drown out the awful taunts that tore into his heart, shredding it like needles.

_LIE._

_LIE._

_LIE._

_HE LIED._

_He doesn't love you._

_And he probably never did._

_You're worthless._

_Why else would he get over you so quickly?_

_I.. I..'m worthless.._

_I.. I..._

Jake panicked.

_I.. I can't breathe!_

His lungs burned, and he gasped, hearing his breath sound like a mute wheeze. He felt dizzy, and his vision danced before him, nothing staying in focus. He thought he was going to pass out. His eyes rolled backwards, and he felt his body of limp as he shut his eyes. He listened to his shallow breathing, and felt the throbbing pain in his head increase with every breath. His breathing gradually became better, deeper, more normal, but he didn't dare move yet, or else send himself over the brink of consciousness that he'd barely avoided.

_Blimey.. better not do that again. I scared myself_.

He took a couple deep breaths, testing himself. When he felt like he could, he moved his arms up, to curl around his head, as if he could coax the migraine he'd had for days to leave.

Then he heard his door open.

Was it Janey? It was weird she'd be back so soon, didn't she have work? Roxy was working, that he knew. And..

Only three people had his apartment key.

_It couldn't be._ He clenched his eyes tighter, hating that his heart leapt with joy at the lecherous hope he didn't dare think the words of.

He heard heavy feet make their way down the hall, to his bedroom door.

No, no. It wasn't. He didn't want it to be.

Oh, god, yes he did. He wanted it so much it tore him apart.

He heard the door knob turn, and the door be pushed open. He felt the air stir, and knew he wasn't alone anymore.

Silence met his held breath, and he didn't dare move.

_Why wasn't he speaking? What was wrong with him?_

Jake bit back a sob, _why was he here if he didn't want to talk?_

" Jake, get up."

Jake's eyes barely opened when Dirk spoke, standing inside the doorway of Jake's bedroom.

He didn't know what had possessed him to come here. He was sure he wasn't needed. Jake, he had thought, was fine, and even if he was sad, it wasn't anything drastic. Seriously, how depressed could he be?

But something hadn't sit right in his gut, so he told himself he'd just come over to check. Just to give Janey what she wanted. Not that he owed her anything.

He'd never expected to find Jake _broken_.

He was a mess, curled into a ball of grief and deep friend in sorrow. The air in the room was stale when he'd opened the door. Who knows how long he'd been lying here in a withered ball of self pity and depression?

Dirk felt himself start to panic.

When was the last time he drank anything?

" Jake, get your ass out of bed." He tried to keep his worry out of his voice, and strode over to the bed. Jake's figure didn't budge, and he saw his green eyes barely opened to thin slits, as if he didn't have the energy to open them further.

Now that he was close, he saw how bad he really looked. Dark hair covered his face, unruly and tangled, and he hadn't shaved. His clothes were wrinkled dirty. His face looked sunken, and his skin looked gray and sick. Nothing about him had vibrancy, or pep, he looked like a washed out doll.

Jake opened his eyes to watch Dirk. He watched the way he moved, heard the way he spoke, watched the way he tried to keep his face expressionless. It was all so familiar, and he was terrified this was just a hallucination from his burdened brain.

He moved, feeling his joints creek like dead trees in strong winds, to sit up, struggling to pull his upper half off the bed. He didn't look at Dirk. He didn't want to be disappointed when his sweet hallucination suddenly vanished.

" Out of bed, I said. I don't remember telling you to just sit the fuck up." Jake smiled at Dirk's anger. It really sounded just like him. Too much like him. Maybe he wasn't tripping.

He scooted to the side of the bed, and put his feet on the ground, feeling the carpet on his toes for the first time in days. He found, not to his complete shock, the he couldn't stand. He must've been too out of practice. He tried again, and felt his knees give out before he could get to his feet. So much for that, he smiled softly.

It was strange. Now that Dirk was here, he felt so incredibly tired. Sluggish, sleepy. Peaceful ever. He wondered why.

Maybe it was his brain, giving him a pit stop. That was nice.

Dirk watched him struggle with standing, his anxiety growing by the second. Without a word, he bent down and lifted Jake up by his armpits, and set him on his feet. If Jake was surprised he didn't show it. What wasn't he talking? Something must be really wrong if he wasn't talking!

He half carried him to the living room, and set him down on the couch with a plop, crouching in front of him to try and peer at his hidden expression.

" Jake, say something." He commanded, panic rising. What if he couldn't talk? If he hadn't drunken anything in awhile, he could be running a fever, or have brain damage or anything!

Jake said nothing.

" Jake!" Silence. Dirk had to do something. He should get Roxy, or call an ambulance, or something.

" If you don't say something, I'll have to go get-" He went to stand up.

" NO!" Dirk felt two fists yank him back down, bringing him face to face with a wide eyed panicking Jake. " Don't leave! Stay here, please! I'll talk, I will, I'll do anything, just-" Dirk watched in silent shock as Jake hid his tear filled eyes in his shirt, " just, don't leave again!"

Dirk watch his shoulders tremble and the fingers clenching his shirt quiver. His hold wasn't strong as it used to be. He was weak.

Oh god. Dirk felt his heart ache at the sight. How did he get like this?

" I-It's okay, Jake." He put his arms slowly around his shoulders, holding him to his chest. " I won't go anywhere." He didn't know what else to say. What in the world couldv'e put Jake in such a state? He'd kill whatever did it, whoever. " Tell me what's wrong, baby." He shh'ed him, making his voice soft and soothing, " What happened?"

Dirk barely heard the whimper. " I don't want you to leave me." His voice was high and squeaky.

" I won't darlin'." He cooed. " Tell me what's wrong."

" It hurts." He heard him whimper against his chest. He felt the growing puddle of hot wetness on his shoulder.

Dirk felt the rage inside him build. He'd murder the culprit. Dead. " What hurts, baby? Who hurt you?" Dirk waited tersely for Jake's high octave whimper, rage growing.

" I don't want you to leave me again."

Dirk froze, neurons snapping.

" I don't want you to touch anyone but me again. I never realized.." Dirk felt Jake convulse with sobs, and he could barely make out his words as he sat stiff with realization. " I didn't know it hurt so much!" He sniffed, " I never knew! I-I'm sorry, Dirk!" Jake sobbed against his chest, the words pouring from his heart like a deep cut. " I'm so sorry!" He cried, unable to stop the tears that came like pouring rain.

He couldn't take it. Even if it was just a mirage, Dirk was here, holding him, talking to him again! Calling him 'baby'. Caring about him.

Something this past week had convinced him would never happen again.

He wished Dirk would never let go, never stop holding him, touching him. Never look away, never be unreachable. Just be here in his arms, always.

He never knew he could be so sorry. Of course Dirk had hated him when he'd discovered his and Janey's secret. He must've felt how he had felt when he'd seen him in the alley with that girl.

How could he have done that? To Dirk? How could he have not realized it would hurt him so much?

He bawled, his head light and eyes sticky, clutching Dirk's shirt with all he had. _Please, Dirk, please say something!_

Dirk listened in mute shock to his sobs, seeing nothing before him. His thoughts came in broken, sharp pieces.

_Jake saw him._

_He saw him that night._

_He must be feeling.._

_Oh god._

_He did this to him._

_He did it._

_But well, what was the matter anyway? _The other side of him pointed out._ So what if Jake saw you screwing that chick. He made his choice 10 months ago. What should it matter now, when he didn't care back then?_

_But I can't just leave him like this! He's so broken, so.. _

_He did the same thing to you. He's just as much of an asshole. You have no blame for being on the rebound after HE'S the one who started this._

_I love him, goddammit. _Dirk felt the weight of the world suddenly leave his chest as soon as he admitted those words. Those words that'd he'd been denying since the incident, so vehemently denying, and they came out so soundly now, so without a catch. So painfully true he winced.

_You shouldn't. Not after what he did. You're not his mother, it's not your job to comfort him! HE left YOU. Don't let him come crawling back!_

_I can't leave him._

_What? Why not?_

_I just can't. I promised. And he's crying! Who would leave him right now, it would be cruel!_

_Like he was to you? _

_Shut your fucking mouth!_

Dirk swallowed, his mouth dry.

" It's.." Jake froze, his mind grasping at his voice over his own sobs.

" It's.. not okay." Jake thought he would pass out from those three earth shaking words. The abyss he'd been fighting all this time by the dim hope that Dirk might forgive him suddenly threatened to swallow him completely.

" It's not okay. But I already promised I wouldn't leave you, didn't I?"

Jake glanced up, tears pouring down his face and he didn't care. What had he just said?

Dirk looked at his tear smeared face expressionlessly.

He knew this was wrong.

He knew this was only going to further make himself miserable, and break his heart all over again.

He knew Jake probably didn't deserve it.

But he couldn't leave him like this. Because he still loved him.

After all this shit, he still loved him.

The stupid, oblivious, traitorous, heartbreaking asshole he was, and Dirk couldn't will himself to not love him.

Stupid, unfair world.

" I promised. And I don't break promises." Before Jake could even understand his own feelings, Dirk pulled his fists away from his soaked shirt, and stood up. He started to walk into the kitchen, hidden from where Jake sat on the couch.

" When was the last time you ate? Or drank?" He called, checking the fridge and grabbing a bottled water.

Jake was flabbergasted at the normalcy of the question. Was that it? Dirk wasn't going to reject him, or scream at him? Was he really going to stay?

" I.. don't know." He answered. Dirk grimaced, feeling around the cupboards for a can of soup and crackers. Something light would probably be best.

" Dirk!" Jake called, from where he was trapped on the couch.

" Yeah?" Dirk called back, opening the can of chicken noodle soup and dumping its contents into a pot to heat up on the stove.

Jake couldn't stop the hopeful longing from leaking into his next words, " Are you really going to stay?"

Dirk stared at the soup, waiting for the yellow broth to boil, biting his tongue for silence.

Dirk leaned against the wall in pain, holding his face in his hands to stop burning tears of sorrow from falling, and steadied his voice.

" Yeah."


End file.
